Motherhood is often portrayed as a beautiful and fulfilling experience, filled with precious moments and unconditional love. However, the reality is that being a mother can also be incredibly demanding and exhausting. Many mothers find themselves experiencing what is known as maternal burnout.
This phenomenon is becoming increasingly common in Morocco, as mothers juggle the demands of work, household chores, and the constant needs of their children.
The concept of maternal burnout is relatively new, and research on the topic is scarce in Morocco, possibly due to it being considered a taboo that women are unable to discuss or be diagnosed with.
In an interview with clinical psychologist and psychomotor therapist Lamya Lamrani, the psychologist defined maternal burnout as a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion experienced by mothers, typically resulting from the prolonged stress of overwhelming responsibilities. It can manifest as feelings of being overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and even detached from what used to provide them comfort and a sense of well-being.
According to Dr. Lamrani, the symptoms of this psychological state may include chronic fatigue, irritability, loss of interest in activities, and difficulty concentrating.
She added that maternal burnout can be influenced by factors such as societal pressures, as Moroccan society often places unrealistic expectations on women to be perfect mothers, homemakers, and professionals simultaneously.
To be called ” حادكة، موقدة، امرأة ونصف، لالة مولاتي، فحلة، مقرصة…” in Morocco, which means a hardworking and perfect wife and mother, the woman has to combine being a good, attentive, mother for the children, a wife who excels in cooking, household chores, and hosting extended families, and a working woman who helps with paying bills and daily expenses. Hence, she ends up caught in a never-ending cycle of tasks, responsibilities, and pressure. As a result, she loses herself in trying to please others, fearing judgment if she does not meet these expectations.
The society also imposes on the woman to be in good mental and physical health; for example, when a woman gives birth, she is obliged to get well as soon as possible, have a perfect body shape, and resume her daily tasks energetically.
The doctor stated that among the factors of maternal burnout are also the lack of support and the relentless demands of balancing work and family life.
Lamrani went on to say that the signs of maternal burnout include feeling immense physical and psychological fatigue throughout the day and being irritable and tense.
Another sign is emotional detachment, where the mother becomes robotic, rising early to prepare breakfast, getting the children ready for school, and preparing dinner, but without engaging emotionally with her children, such as talking to them or asking about their day.
This emotional detachment, she explained, serves as a defense mechanism, relying more on actions than feelings. This sentiment leads to feelings of guilt and self-reproach for not being able to connect with her environment properly.
Another symptom involves losing passion for daily tasks. This feeling is often accompanied by societal pressure, with others questioning why she complains when everyone else has children and completes the same tasks.
Lamrani pointed out that women don’t immediately seek psychological help when they first feel this way; they often wait until they reach a state of depression, where negative thoughts consume them as they then contemplate surrendering it all because they feel they’re not benefiting anyone. When they reach this depressive state, they lose confidence in themselves.
Lamrani noted that this topic can be taboo, because when women complain or talk about what they feel, the others look at them like they are lazy, or that they simply cannot assume their domestic responsibilities, thereby making it difficult for them to talk about it.
Regarding the maternal burnout effects on children, when the child is more inclined towards his/her mother–especially in households where the mother is experiencing burnout–the child might become disruptive, seeking attention from the mother in a negative way, such as screaming pervasively or exhibiting hyperactive behavior at home or at school.
The doctor added that when mothers visit a doctor, they often start crying, expressing their feelings of inadequacy and inability to control their children.
Lamrani also pointed out that paternal burnout is also prevalent, especially in cases where both parents suffer from pressure, lack of time, work, and childcare responsibilities.
In Morocco, there are actually plans to open schools for fathers, aiming to educate them on parenting and childcare.
She also stated that not only is the working mother most susceptible to burnout due to time constraints, but also that any mother with low self-esteem or perfectionist tendencies can experience burnout.
As for the perfectionist mother, she feels dissatisfied with herself when a child plays at home and leaves items in a cluttered state. This makes her uncomfortable, because typically these types of individuals cannot delegate tasks to others for fear that they would be dissatisfied with the outcome. In other words, it is an issue with locus of control.
Dr. Lamrani stated that women should first speak up about this issue and not let society judge them, and that their viewpoints should be heard. Husbands also should assist with daily tasks.
One of the challenges encountered while writing this piecen on maternal burnout is that most women generally declined to participate in this interview. While some initially agreed to be interviewed, they later were reluctant to answer the questions.
“A day in the life of a working mother with kids can be very overwhelming, especially for young girls who have never tried to multi-task or repress their own desires or comfort because of a “self –imposed sense of duty” or guilt,” said a mother who was interviewed under the condition of anonymity.
“Mothers do not have respite from daily chores and monotony,” she added.
The interviewee said that a mother should prepare “homemade” meals because it is deemed the standard for “good” mothers, as per the in-laws and the unforgiving Moroccan society, adding that if the children fall sick or are underweight (or even overweight), insinuations may arise that their nutritional needs were neglected due to the fact that the “unfit” mother was feeding them pizza on Wednesdays.
“You must breastfeed so that the baby grows healthy but you should also return to work to pay the bills,” she stated.
She explained that the pressure and judgment stem from various sources, including neighbors, family, in-laws, teachers, pediatricians, and friends, with a surprising majority being women, both older and younger.
This sort of pressure–particularly from women–to mold newly-wed or younger peers into perfection, she noted, could be depleting for Moroccan women, especially considering the upbringing by mothers and grandmothers who had never previously expressed discontent.
The mother, who is a working woman, pointed out that the house should be clean and tidy at all times, regardless of the hours spent working outside the home.
“Any unexpected visit can put you in a position of embarrassment and weakness,” she said, “and no one would stand up and make excuses for you.”
She affirmed that the Moroccan dialect has a specific set of terms for women not fitting into the typical Moroccan women “box,” such as “you are ماشي حادكة، باردة الأكتاف، مرخية، ركانيك خاويين (i.e. a lazy wife and mom).” On the other hand, if you are “literally killing yourself” to meet the aforementioned ruthless criteria, then you are معلمة ، حادكة، لالة ومولاتي، قادة (i.e., “wifey” material).
She went on to say that besides her tasks inside the house, a woman should–or rather, must– financially contribute to whatever house-related expenses exist, including rent, foodstuffs, school fees, and even high-ticket purchases such as real estate and automobiles.
“Only when you ruin your health and youth to do all these tasks can you hear a “well done” تبارك الله عليك,” she concluded.